Aoibhe Byrne

Aoibhe never had sex with Earnest. She fully intended to! He picked her up for the prom, she’d selected the prettiest undergarments a 15-year-old virgin could possibly come up with, and everything was perfect and romantic. Until it was time for her clothes to come off and she backed out while half-naked in the hotel room. In spite of his suave romancing, she just could not go through with it.

He unceremoniously dumped her not long afterward: “I am graduating and long-distance is difficult, as are my unmet sexual desires.” Aoibhe was inconsolable and spent the rest of her time at THS a social recluse, now without figure skating to keep her mind off of her heartache.

To this day, he has been her only boyfriend and she is still a virgin. Mrs. Byrne expresses great dismay at the fact that her daughter obtained a BA in Education (Why? She does not even really know.) instead of an MRS degree upon graduating from Holy Cross.

With that degree she took a job teaching youth figure skating at Chelsea Piers, but her immense distaste for children and an incident involving making a five-year-old cry led to a very public (and humiliating) firing.

Masking his disappointment only moderately well, Mr. Byrne managed to wrangle his daughter a part-time secretarial position working for His Eminence John O’Connor, Archbishop of New York. She hates it.

She lives alone.

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